Some days, I wish I believed in God.

I think that I've been avoiding this post. It is really hard for me to write about what I've done with my last 5 months.

Its meant so much to me. Never in my life had I given so much of me to something. Never in my life had I poured this much heart into a singular goal, to achieve a singular task.

And I've never, ever succeed in such a way.

I miss Lily Friedman.

I miss sitting in my office with her, our desks facing each other, as we ate breakfast (on good days) and listened to the morning regional conference calls. I miss adding dial numbers frantically, as we tried fervently to get our numbers in before the nightly state wide calls.

I miss falling asleep in South Milwaukee.

I miss making volunteer calls, I miss making persuasion calls. I miss canvassing.
I miss talking to 100s of people in a day, listening to people, engaging with people.

I miss Max, and his moodiness but mostly his resilience, Mike, and his creativity and inspiration, Deb for her consistency and wisdom, Greg for his humor, Javier for his professionalism, Kalpa for her perseverance. I miss Lee and Scott for their military commitment. I miss Vanessa for her compassion and toughness.

I miss Robert, who was and will always be there with me.

And I want to thank everyone I've met since I joined, and everyone whose touched my life directly and indirectly from Kenny Miller to Barack Obama, for showing me pragmatism.

I used to say that I looked forward to missing my first appointment, that I "couldn't wait to be 18 again." Now that I have, and that I am, I can't but see how woefully arrogant I was, to diminish the importance of every appointment, or to diminish the importance of being 18.

I cherish those nights that I stayed up till 5 working, and got up at 8, and the morning that I got up at 5 after going to bed at 3.

I want to fall back into the structure of something bigger than me.